Are You My Friend?

By Clara H

Making friends has always been a challenge for me. Sometimes, I can't tell if a person is interested in being friends with me. Other times, I'm not sure if they want to continue hanging out with me or even be able to recognize if they were even my friend in the first place. Were they ever a true friend to me, or was I being taken advantage of? Was I the one mistreating them?

During my first few years of grade school, I had no friends. I thought that I did, but now when I look back, I had none. It's not that people weren't interested; I was just a confusing kid. 

It wasn't until I was nine years old until I made some school friends. Even then, the friendships were so hard to maintain. I did not know how they worked. I would get into arguments with my friends constantly. 

I would also copy my peers' behaviors to blend in, which wasn't always the best thing. If they were mean to me, I would be mean to someone else. How would I, a socially awkward child, know who and what to look up to?

Through my eyes, the other kids were the weird ones. I didn't see anything wrong with myself. The other kids were the ones who needed "fixing." That's why I was in complete shock to find out about my autism diagnosis. How I viewed myself and how I saw other people had completely changed in just one day.

At age eleven, I was back at no friends. I had begun a new school: jr. high. This school had a lot of interesting students. It was flooded with bullies. Making friends was more challenging than ever. By this point, I could actually recognize the bullying because of how extreme it was.

I am thankful that two special people in my grade had come into my life while I was attending this school. They were great! They helped me through a very tough time. They stood up for me and supported me. I can't say how much I appreciate them.
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In high school, I had met a ton of other students on the spectrum. It was so eye opening. For a long time, I felt like I was the only one. The feeling of having other people understand you after being so alone is comforting. Some of them are very close to me. I know I am loved.

Relationships are probably one of the most challenging things about autism for me. I will likely always struggle with it to some extent. However, the close friends I've had taught me how powerful friendship truly is. It's an experience that I will never forget.

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Photo by Maxim Hopman on Unsplash