What Keeps Me Up At Night

​I've always struggled to turn off my brain at night. It's practically impossible for me to do. I always have to be thinking about something. The thoughts I have can go on all day long but are often terrifying and depressing when it gets dark outside. 

​Many people on the spectrum say that they prefer night over day. They find it relaxing and quiet. No one is around to talk to them, and it is when they get to recharge for the morning.

This is not the case for me. My mind races at bedtime and builds up anxiety. My thoughts are so strong I can't even focus on reality. I can't even see what's in front of my face. It's like I'm having a very vivid nightmare; it's just I am awake. 

​I always get one's about death. I can see the world ending and humanity going extinct. I will get hot flashes, shaky, and sweaty.

I'm unable to organize my thoughts unless I am moving. I have to go on walks for me to clear it, which can often take hours. The problem is that it causes me to fall into a more profound daydream, and this time I'm sleepwalking... but not really. I say that because I can't even tell where I am going or see what's in front of my face. 

My daydreams happen to me in the morning too, but they aren't scary. I enjoy having them when it's light out. It's a beautiful fantasy world. These repeat over and over again. I have so much fun when having them, and they make me feel so safe that I replay them countlessly. 

Time management is a struggle for me because of this. I will often be late to wherever I'm supposed to be. I can't control when they happen. It's completely random, but typically they are triggered by movement or when I'm sitting around doing nothing.
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It always happened when I'm outside walking my dogs. One time, when I was walking in the middle of the road, a car was coming right at me, but I didn't see it because I was that lost in my mind. The vehicle stopped, I kept walking. I came back into reality when I bumped into it. That was not my finest moment. 

A lot of the time, I can still be completely safe when daydreaming. I'm not sure how. It's like something in the back of my head that protects me from dangers. People have shared with me that they can still drive their cars perfectly fine, yet not be in the present moment. 

They are very magical. I wish that everyone could experience this at least once in their life.

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There is a film that came out in 2016 titled, A Boy Called Po. It's not the best movie, but it's the only one I've seen that uses visuals to capture what it's like to daydream when you have autism. I don't usually connect my writing pieces to movies, but I feel like this is a topic that is not talked about enough, so if you want to get a better idea of what I'm talking about, I encourage you to check out this film.

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​Photo by Michelen Studios on Unsplash